How to Lose Friends and Alienate Everyone

Originally Posted in July 2014

I know everyone keeps teaching you about how to make friends and influence people, how to always be the good guy, how to take the high road and how not to be a douchebag. But that isn’t why we are here.

All of you seemingly good people will understand that being a good person is always hard. I’ve tried to be good and succeeded in the past but it didn’t get me anywhere and it doesn’t mean people won’t try to piss you off. I learned quickly that bitch-mode or douchebag-mode as default state of mind isn’t always a bad thing. And so I’ll be sharing a few easy and fun ways to make enemies and alienate people.

  • Do NOT keep in touch: This is the very first step in being a douche bag. Social Media is built to help us stay in other people’s businesses, but we don’t need friends. So while we want to feed our need for information, we must try to be as covert as possible. You can log into Facebook, but do not add any new friends or like posts and photos when you won’t be telling people Happy Birthday. It will show in News Feed. Remember to turn off Facebook Instant Messaging so no one can attempt to buzz you, but even if they do ignore them. Do not keep in touch on BBM, just read people’s updates. You may not update your pictures and status too. If they happen to want to keep in touch, do not read their messages until 1 a.m when they will be asleep. You don’t want to wake them up. Or turn off data services and read (This may not work for BBM on Android, but it’s worth a try). Whatsapp is even better. Since the plan is to alienate people, there may be no need to remove the Time Stamp. Let them see that you are online, you just don’t want to talk to them. Do not answer your phone. Do not return missed calls and do not reply text messages and if you must, reply only on weekends, because work and traffic, or because you had to be by yourself.
  • Teach people how to live their lives: This one’s pretty easy. We all always have to resist the urge to tell people how to live their lives and accept our friends as they truly are. Bullshit! If you don’t want friends, here’s a simple way to do it. Get in their business and tell them how to run their lives. Call your single friends and say something like “You are too choosy, at this rate you may have to marry yourself”, or when someone complains of being broke ask them what they do with all their money. Ask someone who is struggling with bills why she doesn’t save enough or ask a pregnant woman with 2 kids already if she is a pig. Be obnoxious, everyone will hate you.
  • Do NOT visit anyone: Your friends and cousins are all popping babies or getting married. But you are still as awesome as you were in your First Year in School. Well, you don’t want them to envy you, so don’t visit them. Do not attend weddings so you don’t have to run into other people (remember you hate people). No bridal showers or baby showers or Bachelor’s Parties for men. Decline being a Bridesmaid, Don’t buy aso-ebi. Do not call people who are grieving because you may not know what to say to them and if you do, just ask them if they would like Ice Cream. Don’t visit people who just had babies because babies are dangerous, and when you have to go, make sure it’s not the Christening Day.
  • Do NOT allow your friends to visit: So you are making progress alienating people but your mum thinks you need an intervention and she has called your friends. So they call to ask if they can visit. It would have been easier to not answer but they’ve figured you out and now only call you with different office phones. They want to visit, and if you say no you may be kidnapped and sent off to a Church on the Hill. So here’s what you do: Tell them it’s okay to visit. When the day comes, have a neighbour lock your gate for you from outside. Appearing to have gone out is key here. If you are in, they may be scared that what has been eating you has finally swallowed you and want to break in and see what’s left of you, remember it’s an intervention. However, since you are out, they will be grateful that you at least stepped out and won’t try to visit for a long time again.
  • Try to borrow money from all your friends: Call all your friends from out of the blues and ask them to lend you huge sums of money. Do not tell them why you need it or when you will return it, just give them a really vague response about how it’s important. They’ll share notes and conclude that you are a sinking ship and run. No one likes to sink. But if they do lend you, by all means default. Do not return their calls or money but be sure you show off your shopping bags and post pictures of you doing retail therapy. If they get really angry, tell them to call EFCC. That always works!
  • Be Dramatic: So you are trying to be Robinson Crusoe in peace but your kind-hearted friends won’t let you be great. Well you must frustrate them. If you have tried the first five steps and they didn’t work, stop trying. Show up to everything in inappropriate clothes. Wear Jeans and a Slouchy Tee to Weddings. Do not have a bath before you go and see your friend’s new baby. When you go out with your friends and their significant others, make them uncomfortable. If you are a lady, hug the groom a little too long at his own wedding. If you are guy, tell your friend’s date that she has really cute boobies. Act weird. Be rude. Scream at people on the phone. Cry often in public. Try to read people’s emails or phone messages over their shoulder and laugh at their conversations, or tell them they’ll never get past that level on Candy Crush. Never mind the Candy Crush part, people are always kind when playing. Get fired from work too.

There you have it. If anyone is still your friend after you have tried all this, maybe you should just run away from them and change your number. That person isn’t human. Have fun alienating people and thank me later.

P.S: Seeing as I clearly do not have friends and all I have is this blog, you may share with your friends (right before you alienate them). I have no one to share with.