2015: Don’t Look Back In Anger
“Comparison is an act of violence against the self” – Iyanla Vanzant
This year I think that Instagram was one of my biggest weaknesses. The thing with Instagram is that everyone puts the good out there for you to see. And Lord knows there’s so much good on there (Oh by the way, I’ve been winning stuff there- Airtime from Afric Holidays, a bowl of sauce from Mobo Kitchen and Beat FM, a Kindle Book from Pretty Perfect Living and Scented Candles from Mystiquee Perfumery and livinginlekki.com ). There are a whole lot of beautiful people and places, and so many young people doing great. I see many people in their early 20s, and for some reason a lot of 25 year old women. Of course it reminds me of the year I was 25 and what I did for myself.
So let’s throw it back a little (By the way, I’m not shading or subbing anyone. I’m just owning my narrative). A few months before my 25th Birthday, I started to feel the tremors around. (I wrote about tremors in the past and how God uses it to make you uncomfortable when it’s time to move). I had just moved houses and changed jobs so it wasn’t any of those. I was in a relationship and everything seemed perfect (from where I stood at the time). We were two young people in love, and doing the right thing. There was no reason why this love would not work. Fast forward to about five weeks before my 25th birthday I noticed that the relationship was dying and being one that would not allow it to die a natural death, I decided to ask him where we stood. Of course by asking him I literally just spoke the words on his lips and he decided that we should break up and go our separate ways. At the time, we had dated for 2 years and I had literally built my life around him. So I had no life and no sense of direction. In the weeks preceding the break up I had started having a crisis of consciousness, so bad that I wanted to start therapy, but after the break up, it became full blown.
So while many people spent their 25th year inventing and just really doing things, I was just unraveling and trying to get to know myself. And it was a mess. I remember spending much of my birthday crying (after going home from the wedding where I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up; by the way, this was after I had posted really great pictures on Instagram) until my friend came to get me and we ate, drank and binge-watched Grey’s Anatomy till we fell asleep. The next few months were a blur- work, home, Bible, sleep, church. I did cry a lot over the next few months, and I wrote too. Some of the most popular posts on here were written in that time, and they came from somewhere really deep in my heart that I could only reach because it was broken (I was like Adele). I could stand outside situations and view things in perspective, and more importantly, I watched myself evolve into this strong, beautiful woman (it almost feels like an ugly duckling story) with pride. Everything I am now, I fought to earn it, and I have been given grace too. So while I didn’t start a business or get into any 30 under 30 list, me and God, we made magic. And it is oh so beautiful.
I threw it back a little for this: It’s the end of the year and we are likely to focus on achievements and accomplishments and berate ourselves if we didn’t quite meet the targets we set. But go easy on yourself. You are still here, you are a fighter. 2016 is another chance to shoot your shot. I don’t know how much I achieved this year, I just know that some of my fiercest battles were fought and won this year and I’m grateful to be standing here in good physical and mental health. Of course, I missed a lot of personal targets, but I’m so grateful for all the spontaneous blessings. I had so many new “principles”, but I’ve learned to let love win and more importantly, let the Spirit lead. And I’m still growing, and stretching and moving. And it’s beautiful and painful. But it’s worth it.
If you’re still here, you’re winning.
Love and Light. xo